Suddenly Single. Now What? Q&A

Earlier this year, I did an Instagram Live with a fellow therapist. We had a great conversation about dealing with becoming newly single from a therapist’s perspective. The illustrious hostess, Nakia, took questions from her audience. There were a lot of questions we weren’t able to answer during the live and I wanted to make sure everyone got their questions addressed. So I answered them for you here!


Download the FREE 4 Step Guide to Break up Recovery – this free guide gives you a step by step process to recover from a breakup and focus on connecting to yourself again


What if you know the relationship was toxic but you miss the other person?

  • It’s okay to miss them! Miss them. Miss the good times. And we know you miss the booty. Because breakups do require a grieving process.
  • Without knowing the type of toxicity, controlling, belittling you, jealousy, gas-lighting specific to your situation…I’d ask myself:
    • Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t accept me fully, wholly, unconditionally?
    • Do I want to be with someone that has to make me feel small or control me because they don’t love me AS I AM?
  • Write down and journal out the thing you miss and the things you remember about the relationship. And decide what feels right for you. But I will tell you, if you truly believe it’s worth it to go back to someone who doesn’t love you UNCONDITIONALLY….you should consider speaking to a therapist about your feelings around your worth.

How soon is too soon to start dating again?

  • There are really no hard and fast rules for this. You want to listen to your body and be HONEST with yourself about what you can handle and what you’re ready for. You also have to be honest about your reasons for getting back into dating.
    • Lonely? Can’t stand being with yourself because, if you’re real with yourself, you don’t even like yourself? Then I might say reconsider.
  • If you need some tips on recovering from a breakup I have a helpful Break Recovery Guide here. 

After being in a relationship or married for so long, how do you find yourself?

  • Figuring out who you are outside of your marriage/relationship takes being with just you for a while. 
  • I’ve heard newly singles say, “I don’t even know what I like to do because we did what my partner enjoyed for years.” So it could be fun to explore your own hobbies and finding fun things to do for yourself. Try new things! Take yourself on a vacation. DATE YOURSELF.
  • The same way you spend time and energy to get to know someone new, make YOU the new person you’re trying to date.
  • And I can’t stress journaling enough (video diaries, voice notes, or emails to yourself can work too)! Get your thoughts out of your head and hash them out. Doing this can help you learn how you think and how you TRULY feel.

What do I do with my free time when the kids go with their dad for the first time?

  • OMG this is YOUR time! How exciting is this?  If you have the funds, I wouldn’t even spend the time catching up on housework, splurge on a cleaning service and do whatever self-care activities speak to you. Wine and a puzzle, making Tik-Toks, a massage and facial. Whatever. That’s time to just kick back and be with you.

How do you date in 2020?

  • Girl IDK. I’m an introvert myself, so I know I’m not the ‘meet someone at church, go to meetups.com, do fun cooking classes blah blah blah’. If you’re a super friendly person, that type of thing may work for you. But I’m the type that goes to events and speaks to 0 souls. It’s always too peopley outside for me.
  • If you’re in college, that’s the PERFECT place to fall in love.
  • Now if you do things safely in a small group. I think that’s really the best way. I meet more men/people when I’m out with one or two friends than if I went alone. So a friend of mine went to urban camping this weekend, a perfect place to meet people! Outdoors, well ventilated and active.
  • This may be controversial but dating apps! I live for them. Any decent, albeit short, relationship I’ve been in, the current man I’m dating, all came from dating apps. I’ve made good guy friends on dating apps as well. Truly.

How do you forgive?

  • That’s a deep conversation. I do entire group and individual therapy sessions on forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process. I’ll say that. There are steps to it. Similar to the stages of grief or the stages of change. It is a very layered process.
    •  The uncovering phase, the decision phase, the work phase, the deepening phase. We don’t have time to get into all of that but if you want me to go into more depth on the topic, let me know and I definitely will.
  • I will tell you what forgiveness is and what it is not.
    • Forgiveness is not repairing a relationship, is not forgetting the injustice that was done to you. People love to say ‘forgive and forget’ but you don’t have to ‘forget’ for something to be forgiven.
    • It’s not condoning negative behaviors, it’s not even granting them mercy. AND IT ABSOLUTELY IS NOT ‘LETTING GO’ BUT HOPING FOR REVENGE. Scorpios. I’m talking to you.
    • Forgiveness IS – decided to overcome the pain someone’s inflicted on you. IT IS letting go of anger, resentment, shame, and the weight you’ve been carrying. Forgiveness is saying that you’re done carrying it. And you’re going to set it down. That load is not weighing your offender down. It’s weighing YOU down.
  • Remember your feelings are valid and 100% within reason.

Download the FREE 4 Step Guide to Break up Recovery – this free guide gives you a step by step process to recover from a breakup and focus on connecting to yourself again


Can a single person have a best friend of the opposite sex without being intimate?

  • That’s your call boo. If you truly want to be just friends, you know how to friend zone. That’s not to say the other won’t try you. But that is definitely a choice you can make around boundaries. In all seriousness, YOU get to choose.
  • Personally, I do have a couple of guy friends that are single whom I’m not intimate with. And I have a couple of guy friends that I have been intimate with that really consider real friends. So you can do it your way.
  • My actual BEST guy friends are married and there’s zero intimate energy, they actually gross me out!

We’re living together, when are we getting married?

  • This is a communication issue. I know plenty of women that lived with their S.O. and then went on to get married.
  • I lived with someone I was dating for a while…we did not get married.
  • I would not avoid that conversation or assume what the outcome is meant to be by living together. If y’all are afraid to talk and hash that stuff out on a regular basis…SHOULD you live together??? *sips wine*

Can a single person be satisfied being alone but not lonely?

  • Yessssss! You really can. Loneliness ebbs and flows, comes and goes. It’s not static. It helps to actively do things to bring yourself pleasure, joy, and contentment in your life. And you have to renew it as needed.
  • I have some single friends that are so content with life that dating is more of a burden than it’s worth. *quietly raises hand in the back*
  • I have some unhappy ones too. So it’s really about building your happiness. If you need help with building your own happiness check this out.

 

That’s all the questions we received. You can check out the full IG live here and see what other questions we answered.

Do you have any other questions about the single life or toxic relationships? Leave it in the comments below. Let’s chat about it.

If you know someone that may find this post helpful, share it; it’s free!


Download the FREE 4 Step Guide to Break up Recovery – this free guide gives you a step by step process to recover from a breakup and focus on connecting to yourself again


 

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